Knowledge · Guide · German law applies
When your mother is gone.
A companion for daughters who were there at the end — for the weeks in which grief and logistics arrive at once. For what you are carrying now, before the house comes up.
Updated: June 2026 · General orientation, not legal or tax advice in the individual case (§ 3 RDG, § 4 StBerG)
What you are carrying now
You were probably the one who handled the appointments of the past years. Alongside the grief, many now feel an exhaustion they can hardly admit to themselves — and sometimes a relief accompanied by guilt. Both are normal. It is no sign that you loved any less; it is a sign that you carried a very large share for a very long time.
The question of the share no one names
In most families one person did more than the others — often the daughter. The inheritance quota itself stays equal — but the law does provide a balance: a child who cared for the mother over a longer period can claim a compensatory amount when the estate is divided (section 2057a BGB). Two paths: the family names it openly without changing the quota — the naming alone releases most of the unspoken tension. Or the mother anchored a recognition during her lifetime. In both cases: this question belongs before the conversation among siblings about the house, not within it.
Three weeks in which nothing must be decided
You will receive calls that want to create pressure — agents with a “suitable” buyer, relatives who would like to “sort something out”. For three weeks you may decide nothing concerning the house. A complete answer is: “We are deciding nothing in this phase. We will be in touch when the moment is right.” A pause of six to eight weeks before any decision about the house almost always holds.
The conversation among siblings before the conversation about the house
An order that has proven itself: first a conversation about the mother herself — memories, not inheritance quotas. Second about the years just past — who carried what. Third about the practical steps — who takes on what. And only then, fourth, about the house. These steps may fall across four meetings or into one long day — what matters is that the order holds. Should the fourth conversation become delicate, When several inherit a house is the next anchor.
What you may hand over
Much rests on one pair of shoulders and need not: delegable are appointments with authorities (by power of attorney), the clearing of the house (after you have reviewed the valuables), the bookkeeping of the community of heirs and the tax notification. Keep for yourself the reviewing of photographs and letters, the conversation among siblings and the decision about the house itself. Whoever gives away the delegable gains energy for what cannot be delegated.
The mother’s dignity in the path to sale
Before the clearing, a family review — each person takes what they wish to keep; where several want the same thing, a priority list or a draw helps. Family photographs scanned once digitally, each receives the album. Letters and diaries not read in haste. And at the end, once the house is cleared, a final walk-through together — often the moment in which the farewell becomes real.
Key terms, clearly explained
- Asymmetry of care
- The finding that the burden of care within a family is usually very unequally distributed — and that the inheritance quota does not offset this inequality.
- Certificate of inheritance (Erbschein)
- Official document by which the probate court confirms who is an heir and in what quota.
- Compulsory share (Pflichtteil)
- The statutory minimum share due to certain close relatives — half the size of the statutory share of inheritance.
- Bereavement counsellor (Trauerbegleiterin)
- Qualified accompaniment through the period of grief — free of charge for relatives, above all via outpatient hospice services (funded under Section 39a SGB V) and church-based providers. If grief becomes persistent and clinically significant, health insurance covers psychotherapy.
Frequently asked questions
- I carried more than my siblings — does that count in the inheritance?
- The quota does not change automatically — but a child who provided care can claim a statutory compensation when the estate is divided (section 2057a BGB). And naming it openly releases the greatest tension in most families — and it belongs before the conversation about the house, not within it.
- An agent is already calling — must I respond?
- No. You may postpone every one of these calls. A pause of six to eight weeks before any decision about the house almost always holds — even when someone else suggests otherwise.
- How do we begin the conversation among siblings?
- With the mother herself, then the years just past, then the practical steps — and only then the house. The order lowers the threshold for every step that follows.
- Must I really do everything myself?
- No. Appointments with authorities, the clearing, the bookkeeping and the tax notification can be delegated. Keep the reviewing of the keepsakes, the conversation among siblings and the decision about the house — the rest you may hand over.
Your next step.
You do not have to decide anything today. If you like, we will first simply order your situation — anonymously and without obligation.
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